First Recordings

My brother Braden left for the Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah a little over a month ago, and is due to leave for Poland next week. He requested that I record some piano for his mission. He also requested that his friend Marissa record some tracks of her singing. Neither of us wanted to record ourselves solo, so we decided to join up and compose some hymn variations together.

Some tracks have guitar, played by our friend Ed, and by my brother Jesse.

The songs are simple so they'll be mission appropriate.

The music was recorded at a friend's home studio. We're grateful that we were able to lay down tracks for free. The music hasn't been mixed much and doesn't sound professional, but you can still get the feeling.

I'm happy to finally have something of mine recorded, and thrilled that Braden will have something personal and sentimental from Marissa and I for his mission.

This link should be accessible to anyone who wants to hear and download the songs we recorded.

-Music-

If I Could Go Back

I had a dream that I was trying to convince a new missionary not to leave the field and go home. He was set on it, and he sounded very dejected and hopeless. I remember crying and pleading with him to just stay, because of how happy he would be in the long run. I had a feeling that there was someone he was supposed to change forever, and I told him that. I woke up with watery eyes.

I went through my mission journals yesterday. I've just experienced some powerful feelings that I haven't felt in some time. Here are a few of them.

--

These Times

Safety Suit-These Times
This is the perfect expression of my life right now.
These times will try hard to define meAnd I'll try to hold my head up highBut I've seen despair here from the insideAnd it's got a one track mind
And I have this feeling in my gut nowAnd I don't know what it is I'll findDoes anybody ever feel like,You're always one step behind?
Now I'm sitting alone here in my bedI'm waiting for an answer I don't know that I'll getI cannot stand to look in the mirrorI'm failingI'm telling you these times are hard
And I know there's someone out there somewhereWho has it much worse than I doBut I have a dream inside, a perfect lifeI'd give anything just to workIt's like I'm only trynna dig my way outOf all these thing I can't
And I amSitting alone here in my bedI'm waiting for an answer I don't know that I'll getI cannot stand to look in the mirrorI'm failingI'm telling you these times are hardBut they will passThey will pass.
These times will try hard to define meBut I will hold my head up high
Sitting alone here in my bedI'm waitng for an answer I don't know that I'll getI cannot stand to look in the mirrorI'm failingI'm telling you these times are hardBut they will pass
And I know there's a reasonI just keep hoping it wont be long til I see itAnd maybe if we throw up our hands and believe it!I'm telling you these times are hardBut they will passThey will pass

The Edge of the Earth

I'm on vacation in Atlantic City, North Carolina. My family is renting two beach houses, next door to each other, right on the beach. With all the spouses and extended family, we have about 22 people. So far, it has been the best vacation I can ever remember having.
--
Last night, a big storm was rolling in. I sat in a rocking chair on the back porch, facing the ocean, letting the wind whip past me as I stared out into the dark landscape beyond the deck. The sea oats were flailing, and the entire scene was lit periodically by lightning from the distance. The storm clouds had not yet reached the shore, but the sky was rather unusually clear, letting the stars shine through.

I sat with my grandfather. He was discussing with me his life, and his advice for moving forward in the young adult stage. He is one of the wisest and quick-witted men that I have ever known. I sat listening to him speak while rocking in the swift, salty wind, anticipating the huge storm that was on its way.

I felt something that I have felt many times before, but never in the way I did last night.
Rising to my feet, I was asked where I was going. Not wanting to entirely betray the overwhelming calling I was feeling, I whimsically replied something about needing to have a meeting at the shore with Poseidon.

The path from the porch to the surf is only about seventy yards. I walked quickly and nervously into the wind and toward the roaring ocean.

Arriving at the edge, right where the waves reach their limit, I stopped, and looked up. I looked left. I looked right.

It is almost impossible to describe how it feels to stand on the edge of the world.

Glue

You know those big boiling pots of molten stuff that sit atop the castle gates? When their ropes are cut, they tip sideways, spilling out over their enemies below.

I have one of those inside me. It gets hauled in, uninvited, and placed at the top of my brain. It's not filled with anything hot, however. It feels rather more like glue. And what lies below is reason, love, spirit, joy, emotion, kindness, decency, and essentially, me.

I can tell when the big pot is put in position. And once I can feel it there, I can rarely get it to leave. It's just a matter of time until it spills over.

It seeps down and fills my head first, then my arms and legs, until I become slow and powerless.

It can take some time to get the glue all out. 

I'm told that by involving others, it can become easier to keep the glue out. But what a mess! Who am I to ask others to get dirty helping me? And besides, it seems that no one I know has much experience with de-gluing.

When I feel glue-free, I try to be aware and to help others who feel stuck, in whatever way they may be. I want to. I enjoy helping other people.

But when I feel bogged down, that's when the room clears, and other wait awkwardly away from me until I become me again.

It's not going to be this way forever. I don't know how else to ask. Yes, through a blog post is immature and not likely to be effective, but-

I'm filled with glue right now so I just don't care that much.

Not dead

I'm aware that it's been awhile since I posted. This blog is not dead. I'm just working on myself right now. :)

Life is Good

I am sitting in the Cougareat (Coug-air-ee-at) on BYU campus, just thinking about how it's been a long time since I blogged. I have like three unfinished series left hanging. Life has been really rough for me this first year home from Montana, with school and work and social and spiritual issues. But things are about to change for the better.

In a moment, I will finish my turkey sandwich and Odwalla, and head to the testing center to take my last final of the semester.

Then I'm going home to pack and move home. (Yes, ten minutes away.)
And I start my full-time job at Coverstar on Friday.
I have a huge collection of books I've wanted to read but haven't had the time.
And the weather is finally warm,
So I will have no excuse not to run and lift every day.
At last, I will live closer to my friends.
And for the rest of the summer I will easily have time, and make time every day to read the scriptures.

I've learned a lot about myself through trials this year, and spent a long time feeling bound down and tired, too busy and too burdened. Without forgetting the lessons of the past, it's time to move on.

You Took Me Out of the Dark

Keep the front door locked
Lights out, so no one can see me
Or where I've been
I've got them all convinced,
I'm fine, with no one around me
No one gets in

This hallow shell, this little hell
You took me out of the dark,
But I found my way back again
I'm not doin' well, I'm not doin' well
So take me out of the dark,
Back to the place where I'm found
And back with you

Everybody else feels fine
Their lives are so perfect
They have no shame
But I'm an open book
Filled with stories about me
That don't mean a thing

This hallow shell, this little hell
You took me out of the dark,
But I found my way back again
I'm not doin' well, I'm not doin' well
So take me out of the dark,
Back to the place where I'm found
And back with You

Just let Him in, let Him in tonight

The Hurt and the Healer

Why?

The question that is never far away

The healing doesn’t come from the explained

Jesus please don’t let this go in vain

You’re all I have

All that remains

So here I am

What’s left of me

Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide

When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe

Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do

Pain so deep that I can hardly move

Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You

Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am

What’s left of me

Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I’ve fallen into your arms open wide

When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity

Is overcome by majesty

When grace is ushered in for good

And all the scars are understood

When mercy takes its rightful place

And all these questions fade away

When out of the weakness we must bow

And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I’ve fallen into your arms open wide

When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here

When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]

Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here

---

It's just one of those times of life. I'm grateful for God's consistent reaching to pull me back.

Jesus Christ Is the Way

Change is hard. Life is hard.
---

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

---
We are all here for a great purpose. One part of that purpose is to repent, or to change ourselves to become more like God. If we didn't need to change, we would not be here.
The miracle of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is that no matter what point in life we are at, we can always choose to change. His promises of forgiveness do not apply only to those who are righteous. The greatest sinner can be forgiven of all their sins; the key is to never, ever give up. God is merciful, and He is powerful. Even if you feel like you only want to change, but don't believe you can, you have already begun. Move forward until you have faith in Christ; and as your faith grows, you will be changed.
Listen to this story. It is incredible.

First Four

Here are the first four songs from Michael's Montana Mission Mix, with the stories/reasons for their being included.

1. God be with You Till We Meet Again, by David Tolk.
You can find a preview of the song here. There's a little preview button you can click to listen to 30 seconds. I recommend using the iTunes store, as they have 1 minute previews. Just go to David Tolk, and look under his cd In Reverence.
This song relays perfectly the feelings I had during the weeks before I left for Montana. It's not overdramatic, but has a nostalgic feel about it. I first heard it when I was about to come home, and it brought back the feelings of leaving for home really strongly. I've been in love with this song, and all David Tolk's music ever since.
That same feeling I had when I heard this song the first time comes back when I see missionaries. Although I served a mission myself, I am still in awe of the thousands of young people who give up everything, especially family, to serve for two years. There is only one cause in the world that could have brought me to do so myself.

2. All Times, All Things, All Places, by EFY 2006/Chad Neth
Here is a video from Youtube with the music on it.

I think this the most self-explanatory track on the mission mix. I started listening to this song three years before I left for Montana, and it only meant more when I finally did get to serve as a full-time missionary. I'm not usually a fan of EFY music, as I prefer instrumental/toned down spiritual music. This song, however, is inspiring. I love it. Enough said.

3. Come, Thou Fount, by Robert Robinson and arranged by some mysterious, unlocatable entity.

I just can't seem to track down this song. Of course there are tons of versions, and most people have heard it. I love this song so much, and it has deep meaning for me. The version on my mix is purely instrumental, which allows me a deeper introspection as I can let my mind go wherever I feel, and not where the singer feels to go. It was on a mix of LDS music, and downloaded to the mission home computers, where it lost its source information. Alas. But nonetheless, the lyrics of the hymn are inspiring, and come to mind when I hear it:

 Come, thou Fount of every blessing, 
 tune my heart to sing thy grace; 
 streams of mercy, never ceasing, 
 call for songs of loudest praise. 
 Teach me some melodious sonnet, 
 sung by flaming tongues above. 
 Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it, 
 mount of thy redeeming love. 

4. "Do What is Right" Arr. Lex De Azevedo

The hymnbook version of this song is pretty great; this variation is one of my favorite songs of all time. There was no Youtube video posted, so you can hear a preview here. A member of the church in Livingston gave me a cd with this song on it. I had just started my mission, and I had brought no cds along with me from home, so it was my first. Needless to say, I listened to it a lot! While some of the other songs faded from my interest, I always loved "Do What is Right," and never got tired of it. I still listen to it at least once per week. It is so motivating. I think about the person I can become when I listen to it.

Mission Mix

Made a mix of music from my mission that I still love to listen to today. I've spread the mix around to some friends, and I decided that, at least for their benefit, I would write a series on why each song is on the mix and what it means to me. So without further ado, let the intro music begin:

Here is the mix:

1. "God be with You till we Meet Again" David Tolk
2. "All Time, All Things, All Places" Chad Neth
3. "Come, Thou Fount" Artist Unknown (Got it from someone else, and can't track down the original)
4. "Do What is Right" Lex de Azevedo
5. "Won't You be My Love" MercyMe
6. "The Witnesses" Rob Gardner
7. "Come See the Light" Freddie Ashby
8. "August's Rhapsody" August Rush (Cut to just the last section)
9. "Rest" Nevertheless
10. "Come, Ye Disconsolate" Freddie Ashby
11. "Redeemer" Paul Cardall
12. "Not My Will" Michael McLean
13. "Our Savior's Love" John Schmidt
14. "Homeward Bound" William Joseph
15. "Finally Home" MercyMe
16. "Wherever You Go" Jim Brickman


I'll probably do three posts with five or six songs on each. If there are youtube videos available, I will post them. Most all of these songs can be sampled or bought on the iTunes Store. The only one I can't find, and therefore must admit I don't actually own, is Come, Thou Fount. I have no idea where it came from or how to get it. But I love it.

I have listened to this mix so many times, it's not funny. I love this music! That's saying a lot because I don't have much music, and I don't often listen to it either.

It's Been Awhile

Sometimes there are just a million thoughts and feelings running through my head and heart and I honestly just don't know where to start. 

So here's a mixed up post of all that comes to mind.

It's been awhile since last I wrote. Life has been really hard for the last few months. But life is good. I'm coaching gymnastics and attending BYU. I met a girl and I can't stop thinking about her. And more than anything, I just know that God is real, and that He loves me, and you.

So life is good.

I miss my mission so much. I just cried today thinking about it. I wish I could go back and just relive a day, any day, just to remember fully what it was like. What I would give to be able to give everything up again and just go.

On Focus in Change

The following is an assignment I fulfilled for a comparative literature class, as a response to Montaigne's essays. In most of his essays, he seemed to start with simple subjects, and then go on to apply them in a deep way to his own life. There are some, however, that deal with deep subjects throughout. This essay was a last minute product of much procrastination, and sprung forth in about 20 minutes.

            It is an innermost desire for many to grow and become better than they now perceive themselves to be. To sit by and allow life to happen can cause one to feel that he is always victim to his circumstances, and that he is never acting, but only being acted upon. He begins to feel that he cannot change, even while the world around him is constantly in motion. These are negative feelings; naturally, we move to avoid them.

            However, change is uncomfortable. As much as it hurts to sit, it is easy, because it is familiar. So it is with all habits or even addictions; that, while they ultimately decrease our feelings of value and love, they are nonetheless comfortable.

            When the individual has decided that he can no longer remain in his present state, and moves despite the discomfort of it, he begins the task of change. Change, as we know, is not always easy. There is a paradox, which is not often spoken of in scripture or elsewhere, but which is a plague to many, particularly to those who are over-zealous for change. The paradox is this: that to change requires the identification of one aspect of one’s self that must be done away with; and to effectively do away with a well-set-in characteristic, one must consistently focus on it and work at it until it is removed. Yet in the process of focusing on such a characteristic, one serves also to set it in, for it seems universally true that those things which we think about most become part of us.

When I'm alone

The following is a song written by the band Nevertheless, called When I'm Alone. I think it's about coping with the loss of a loved one. But I've noticed that songs about people we love can often be interpreted as being about one's relationship with God. 
When I hear this song, I think of the person who is "gone" as God; and I don't think it's because He left, but more because we tend to leave Him.
Sometimes, when things are hardest, it seems that He just stands back and lets us struggle. Looking back on struggles, we can see His love and involvement, and how the struggle may have defined us. But in the moment, it feels like being abandoned.
---

More BOM Journals

These are probably not the most readable material, but I did decide earlier this year to post these, so I will stick to it. These are quick musings and thoughts from my study of the Book of Mormon for my religion class at BYU this semester.

1 Nephi 12-15

In chapter 13 verse 40, Nephi prophesies that the Book of Mormon will be a companion scripture to the Bible, and that it will "establish the truth of the (Bible)." The plain and precious truths found in the Book of Mormon were once easy to be understood in the Bible, but due to compound translations and unintentional (and intentional) changes from the original text, the Bible now lacks much of the simplicity and truth it originally contained.
So I was having a hard week, and I turned to the scriptures many times for help. I kept finding my answers in the Bible. I was troubled because I felt I should be able to find my answers in the Book of Mormon. Furthermore, much of what I read was so similar to the Book of Mormon; I wondered for a moment about the necessity of the Book of Mormon. But those thoughts were quickly dispelled as I remembered a few things:

Why He Stands Back

Journal entry for today:

"I was driving home from eating sunday dinner with my family (Orem, to my apartment in Provo), and this fireside came on. I have no idea who the speaker was. But he told a story, something like this:
When President Kimball was a young man, before he was 'President' Kimball, he rushed to the hospital to be with his three-year-old son. When he arrived at his son's room, he rushed to his son's side. His son said, 'Daddy, if you just hold me, I'll be alright.' But some members of the medical staff asked President Kimball to stand at the door, explaining that they weren't sure how severe the case was, and how contagious it might be. As he walked back to the door, his son cried out, 'Dad, why can't you just stay here and hold me?' President Kimball, overcome, ran to his son's side, but this time was escorted out of the room, and the door was locked. He stood in the hallway, with his hands pressed up against the glass, as his son cried, unable to understand why his father would not just come and hold him.
How does God feel when I suffer? I imagine he stands at the veil, with His hands pressed up, wishing He could hold me and say, 'Everything will be ok. I'm right here. I'm your Father, and I love you.'

New Temple. So Excited!

Provo, Utah "Tabernacle" Temple

I am so excited for this temple to be built. I live walking distance from the site, and from the existing Provo Temple. Timpanogos Temple is only about thirty minutes away as well. It will be so wonderful to have the opportunity to attend.

To learn all about the announcement and the church's plans for this new temple, visit this (unofficial) link.

Billings

I served as a missionary in Billings, Montana about one year ago, and spent six months there. Just as a disclaimer, it is impossible to talk about that experience comprehensively in a blog format. I kept a detailed journal and took lots of pictures, but I don't feel it's necessary to talk about the experience in detail. Suffice it to say, it was one of the greatest times of my life. I learned more about myself, others, and the gospel than at any other time in my life. I think it would almost be a shame to try to describe it all in detail. I had many sacred experiences, and also many terrible days. But altogether, when I think about my time in Billings, Montana, I am filled with gratitude and awe at the miracles and mercies that God showed to me and to those I was able to help.
There are so many faces that pass through my mind when I think about Billings. There were so many wonderful members of the Church, and so many investigators. There were those who were baptized, and those who slammed the door in my face. I can still remember details of streets and houses, and when I look at a map, memories flood back as I scan over the different areas I've been. It was 24/7, consecrated work with one purpose: to invite others to come unto Christ.
I decided I like the prezi idea, so I made another presentation for Billings.

Billings on

Harder Not to Suffer

This is a copy of an email sent out by Erin Heffelfinger, who is a close friend of mine. I met Erin while serving as a missionary in Montana. My companion and I were led by the Spirit to find her mother, and over the course of seven months we witnessed the conversion of their entire family. See the "Conversion Stories" tab, and also Erin's Conversion.


---

I don't have a picture of the view from the M..this will do.

Over the weekend I hiked the M two nights in a row. The first we were up there until about 1:30 AM and the second night we reached the top at exactly midnight. Many conversations were had. Laughing, crying, serious conversations, silly conversations. But perhaps the most profound of all was one I had with a close friend. He asked me simply, "How have you been doing, really?" I’m not sure how I came up with my answer but I believe it was truly inspired.

I looked down into the valley illuminated by city lights as if dancing with an orchestra of sounds and movements. I said I couldn't decide what was more beautiful. Watching each person and each of their stories. Their dreams, their hopes, their excitement, their disappointments, etc. Watching what it really meant to be human and to be living. Each individual one little world of thought and experiences. Or If I wanted to stop them for just a moment and show them the world around them. Rather than focusing on the step behind them or the step in front of them, or even focusing on what was happening right then; I wanted them to see the person behind them, in front of them, and beside them. Realize their connection to each individual, and look beyond the cliché notions of living and really start to see truth and beauty of the world. Then I realized ... this must be what God sees. My friend looked at me puzzled.