The Edge of the Earth

I'm on vacation in Atlantic City, North Carolina. My family is renting two beach houses, next door to each other, right on the beach. With all the spouses and extended family, we have about 22 people. So far, it has been the best vacation I can ever remember having.
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Last night, a big storm was rolling in. I sat in a rocking chair on the back porch, facing the ocean, letting the wind whip past me as I stared out into the dark landscape beyond the deck. The sea oats were flailing, and the entire scene was lit periodically by lightning from the distance. The storm clouds had not yet reached the shore, but the sky was rather unusually clear, letting the stars shine through.

I sat with my grandfather. He was discussing with me his life, and his advice for moving forward in the young adult stage. He is one of the wisest and quick-witted men that I have ever known. I sat listening to him speak while rocking in the swift, salty wind, anticipating the huge storm that was on its way.

I felt something that I have felt many times before, but never in the way I did last night.
Rising to my feet, I was asked where I was going. Not wanting to entirely betray the overwhelming calling I was feeling, I whimsically replied something about needing to have a meeting at the shore with Poseidon.

The path from the porch to the surf is only about seventy yards. I walked quickly and nervously into the wind and toward the roaring ocean.

Arriving at the edge, right where the waves reach their limit, I stopped, and looked up. I looked left. I looked right.

It is almost impossible to describe how it feels to stand on the edge of the world.

Glue

You know those big boiling pots of molten stuff that sit atop the castle gates? When their ropes are cut, they tip sideways, spilling out over their enemies below.

I have one of those inside me. It gets hauled in, uninvited, and placed at the top of my brain. It's not filled with anything hot, however. It feels rather more like glue. And what lies below is reason, love, spirit, joy, emotion, kindness, decency, and essentially, me.

I can tell when the big pot is put in position. And once I can feel it there, I can rarely get it to leave. It's just a matter of time until it spills over.

It seeps down and fills my head first, then my arms and legs, until I become slow and powerless.

It can take some time to get the glue all out. 

I'm told that by involving others, it can become easier to keep the glue out. But what a mess! Who am I to ask others to get dirty helping me? And besides, it seems that no one I know has much experience with de-gluing.

When I feel glue-free, I try to be aware and to help others who feel stuck, in whatever way they may be. I want to. I enjoy helping other people.

But when I feel bogged down, that's when the room clears, and other wait awkwardly away from me until I become me again.

It's not going to be this way forever. I don't know how else to ask. Yes, through a blog post is immature and not likely to be effective, but-

I'm filled with glue right now so I just don't care that much.

Not dead

I'm aware that it's been awhile since I posted. This blog is not dead. I'm just working on myself right now. :)

Life is Good

I am sitting in the Cougareat (Coug-air-ee-at) on BYU campus, just thinking about how it's been a long time since I blogged. I have like three unfinished series left hanging. Life has been really rough for me this first year home from Montana, with school and work and social and spiritual issues. But things are about to change for the better.

In a moment, I will finish my turkey sandwich and Odwalla, and head to the testing center to take my last final of the semester.

Then I'm going home to pack and move home. (Yes, ten minutes away.)
And I start my full-time job at Coverstar on Friday.
I have a huge collection of books I've wanted to read but haven't had the time.
And the weather is finally warm,
So I will have no excuse not to run and lift every day.
At last, I will live closer to my friends.
And for the rest of the summer I will easily have time, and make time every day to read the scriptures.

I've learned a lot about myself through trials this year, and spent a long time feeling bound down and tired, too busy and too burdened. Without forgetting the lessons of the past, it's time to move on.

You Took Me Out of the Dark

Keep the front door locked
Lights out, so no one can see me
Or where I've been
I've got them all convinced,
I'm fine, with no one around me
No one gets in

This hallow shell, this little hell
You took me out of the dark,
But I found my way back again
I'm not doin' well, I'm not doin' well
So take me out of the dark,
Back to the place where I'm found
And back with you

Everybody else feels fine
Their lives are so perfect
They have no shame
But I'm an open book
Filled with stories about me
That don't mean a thing

This hallow shell, this little hell
You took me out of the dark,
But I found my way back again
I'm not doin' well, I'm not doin' well
So take me out of the dark,
Back to the place where I'm found
And back with You

Just let Him in, let Him in tonight