It's Been Awhile

Sometimes there are just a million thoughts and feelings running through my head and heart and I honestly just don't know where to start. 

So here's a mixed up post of all that comes to mind.

It's been awhile since last I wrote. Life has been really hard for the last few months. But life is good. I'm coaching gymnastics and attending BYU. I met a girl and I can't stop thinking about her. And more than anything, I just know that God is real, and that He loves me, and you.

So life is good.

I miss my mission so much. I just cried today thinking about it. I wish I could go back and just relive a day, any day, just to remember fully what it was like. What I would give to be able to give everything up again and just go.

This song is amazing. I listen to an instrumental version of it, but the words run through my mind every time. It reminds me always of the mission, and of my life as a whole.

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"In the quiet misty morning, when the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing and the sky is clear and red,
When the summer's ceased its gleaming, when the corn is past its prime,
When adventure's lost its meaning, I'll be homeward bound in time.

Bind me not to the pasture. Chain me not to the plow.
Set me free to find my calling and I'll return to you somehow.

If you find it's me you're missing, if you're hoping I'll return,
To your thought I'll soon be list'ning; in the road I'll stop and turn.
Then the wind will set me racing as my journey nears its end,
And the path I'll be retracing when I'm homeward bound again.

Bind me not to the pasture. Chain me not to the plow.
Set me free to find my calling and I'll return to you somehow.

In the quiet misty morning when the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing, I'll be homeward bound again."

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It has, for me, more than just the metaphorical meanings of life or missionary work because I served in a beautiful place with pastures and farms, corn and wheat, mountains and mist. 

I remember thinking of this song, when on a quiet, though not so misty morning in March in Billings, Montana, I was called home. I remember the airport, leaving my friends, excited to see home but feeling the reality that this experience was over. Now I'm free to find my calling in life, but all I want to do is return, somehow, to the mission.

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I read an entry from my mission journal today. It was a poem I wrote on one of my lowest days. I was impressed that I was able to write at all, given how low I felt.

"Life is so hard.

I am so blessed, but

I want to give up

On this journey's test

I feel so loved.

I feel His peace.

I cannot move,

So weighed down with grief.

The snow falls softly in the street

I hate this feeling. I need relief.

He lives! All Glory to His Name!

He, He can take away my pain.

But oh so often, the answer is no.

I cry and watch the falling snow."

Have you ever felt that you needed the help of the Lord, but you weren't sure how to let Him in? There have been times when I've literally been aware of His love, outside of me, pressing in, but unable to penetrate my grief. Even knowing He can provide healing, it can seem as though you are unreachable. Sometimes thoughts creep in like, "I don't doubt that God cares, but even He cannot reach me right now."

His Spirit does reach us and does soften us in ways that we can only see in hindsight. He loves us enough to stand back, ready for us to come to Him, but never forcing us.  He is always involved, and always aware. Think of the joy you will feel, looking back, knowing that His grace enabled you to grow and change, but being able to also take ownership of your life. You will have chosen to move forward despite trials of faith, and the rewards for that faith are beyond understanding. He wants us to choose. We HAVE to choose.

Stand up. Smile. Move. 

It will always get better.