Harder Not to Suffer

This is a copy of an email sent out by Erin Heffelfinger, who is a close friend of mine. I met Erin while serving as a missionary in Montana. My companion and I were led by the Spirit to find her mother, and over the course of seven months we witnessed the conversion of their entire family. See the "Conversion Stories" tab, and also Erin's Conversion.


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I don't have a picture of the view from the M..this will do.

Over the weekend I hiked the M two nights in a row. The first we were up there until about 1:30 AM and the second night we reached the top at exactly midnight. Many conversations were had. Laughing, crying, serious conversations, silly conversations. But perhaps the most profound of all was one I had with a close friend. He asked me simply, "How have you been doing, really?" I’m not sure how I came up with my answer but I believe it was truly inspired.

I looked down into the valley illuminated by city lights as if dancing with an orchestra of sounds and movements. I said I couldn't decide what was more beautiful. Watching each person and each of their stories. Their dreams, their hopes, their excitement, their disappointments, etc. Watching what it really meant to be human and to be living. Each individual one little world of thought and experiences. Or If I wanted to stop them for just a moment and show them the world around them. Rather than focusing on the step behind them or the step in front of them, or even focusing on what was happening right then; I wanted them to see the person behind them, in front of them, and beside them. Realize their connection to each individual, and look beyond the cliché notions of living and really start to see truth and beauty of the world. Then I realized ... this must be what God sees. My friend looked at me puzzled.


I continued, "the potential and beauty of all of humanity. It’s art”. And at that moment I felt the desire to want to help each person. I thought of all my family and friends and their personal struggles. I began to tear up and continued by saying ... "I can't help everyone. It's not within my power. They are to go on suffering and carrying their burdens and there's nothing truly significant that I can do for any of them. Even if I could manage some decent advice or guidance, there's no guarantee that they would follow it or that it would even be helpful. It's like watching the people who you love most in the world suffer, and not being able to do anything about it." We both came to the agreement that the hardest things in our lives haven’t been personal struggles, but rather, seeing the ones we love most struggle with their own burdens and not being able to anything about it.

I froze. Tears stopped. Feelings of guilt and inadequacy ceased. One thought came into my mind. "Christ loves us". He loves each individual as much as his own family. That kind of love is immeasurable. However, unlike us, he could do something significant to help with the suffering of those he loved. He could die for us. He could endure every ounce of suffering, temptation, and pain in order to save us and make sure that we were never alone. That's when I finally realized ... It would have caused him more pain and suffering to not go through the Atonement and watch the world suffer then it ever did for him to endure the Atonement. To say he wanted to do it or was ordained to do it is not enough. He had to do it. If we had the opportunity to save those that we loved most, wouldn't we do the same? So rather than feeling responsible for the Savior's suffering, I felt peace. I understood his heart, because he had made my heart. In that moment I turned to my friend and concluded ... "so I've been really great".


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First of all, I can't say how humbling it is to read the testimony of a close friend, one whom I met as she quickly said hi and then went promptly to her room so that she didn't have to hear any gospel talk. Now I'm in awe of the depth of understanding and spirit that she has. It's a witness to me of the power of Christ's Atonement to change lives.


In the pre-mortal existence, two plans were presented for our lives here on earth. Lucifer had a plan to send everyone to earth, and to compel them to be perfect. No one would have the ability to choose. We would all make it back to our Father, but no one would be any wiser, any better, or any more like Christ. He wanted all the glory. And Christ offered a plan in which we would be tried and tested, suffer and sacrifice, and grow to have joy. We would need a Redeemer to save us from our sins and from our mortality. Until I read Erin's comments, I never made the connection for the reason Lucifer presented his plan the way he did. He didn't care if we suffered, and he didn't care if we didn't progress. And one thing is certain, that he would never suffer on behalf of the sins of the world. Because Lucifer is a coward.
But our Savior stood up and said, "Here I am; send Me." He knew what he would have to go through, and as Erin said, he could not bear the thought of losing any one of us. Because of His incredible love, He chose to come down and save us all with His infinite, immeasurable sacrifice. I'm sure we all were there. We had faith that He would be able to do what He said He would do for us. 
Now is our time to live for Him, by serving those around us.